Are We Just Sinking?
by Night's Fang
Summary: Set Post 5x22 "Swan Song". Adam and Nick. Nick/Adam pre-slash. Sometimes, it's like they're going nowhere. But then again then don't have anywhere left to go. Companion Piece to We Keep Moving


**Title:** Are We Just Sinking?**  
Fandom:** Supernatural**  
Author:** Night's Fang (Inked Insanity)**  
Character/Pairings:** Nick, Adam, Pre!Slash Nick/Adam Milligan.**  
Summary:** Sometimes, it's like they're going nowhere. But then again then don't have anywhere left to go. Companion Piece to We Keep Moving.**  
Rating:** PG-13**  
Word Count:** 1491**  
Warnings:** Set post 5.22 "Swan Song". Swearing. Smoking.**  
A/N:** Originally written for **comment_fic** prompt: any, any, "and sometimes it's not worth trying/ Cause I'm tired of living but I'm scared of dying" The verse just developed from there.**  
Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, Kripke and the CW do. I'm just playing around in their sandbox.

* * *

Five days in after Adam decides to watch out for Nick, he has a nasty run-in with vampires. Turns out they were the things that were responsible for Nick's more fresher injuries in the first place. They've been tailing him since. Apparently after some debacle that involves the massacre of a bunch of pagan gods (_seriously_ Adam thinks, _pagan gods?_) anything supernatural wants bragging rights about killing an Archangel's vessel. Of course they find Adam to be equally good prey, if not better. He swore he heard the vampires mentions something about his blood smelling like a Winchesters. And right about now, with how bitter he is, the mention of that is enough to hit his buttons.

Adam finds out four things the hard way. One, vampires aren't killed by stakes, but beheading works _wonders_. Two, Michael's left over Grace also gives him a whole bunch of super-strength that he really wasn't expecting. Three, no amount of gore and anatomy he had been exposed to in his pre-med classes could have ever prepared him for the _smell_ that follows when you rip off someone else's head from their body with your bare hands. Four: apparently anything can trigger his memories of hell and Lucifer's cage back.

It's all thanks to his will that he manages to make it back to his motel room and not vomit himself unconscious at the sight.

o0o

Adam starts smoking again. Alcohol alone doesn't help any more. And nothing can get the taste of sulphur out of his mouth, except for nicotine. He'd rather taste the nicotine.

He remembers when he'd first started smoking, and why he had. It had been the stupidest reason _ever_. They were thirteen and playing Truth and Dare, and Jack had dared him, and he'd obliged. He'd coughed and loved that tightening in his lungs, that burn, and the taste of smoke. And he'd not stopped after that, kept up for a year or so. Mom had caught him, yelled so loud, and they'd fought. She'd tried calling _John_ to talk him out of it. He'd given it up for her. Promised to never touch them again. So much for that, seeing as he'd started again around a month or two ago. Sometimes he suspects that maybe his mother wouldn't mind, seeing what his life has become.

Nick doesn't seem to mind it, although he does shoot him the occasional worried frown when he goes overboard with the nicotine.

Adam can't bring himself to care. He doesn't have anything any more, except bitterness, numbness, and well now Nick. And hey at least if he dies due to lung-cancer it's his fault, and not the result of others messing his life up.

o0o

They're both piss drunk again. Nick awoke form his nightmare about an hour ago, and headed straight for the bottle Adam had in his hand and proceeded to drink it in one go. Then he raided their stash for more. Adam joined him.

Nick's telling Adam about how he met Sara. About their honeymoon. About their little girl. About the incident. She was still alive, barely holding on when Nick found her. She was crying for their baby.

Nick tells him about his nightmare. His head pillowed on Adam's bony shoulder, face buried into his neck muffling his voice. Adam can feel the burn on his skin, whenever the stubble grazes it. He can feel Nick crying. He doesn't say anything, just sits quietly and listens. What can he say? Nick loved Sara with every fibre of his being. Every happy memory hurts because she isn't there any more. Adam doesn't understand that. Sure he loved his mother, but that's different from Nick and Sara. So no matter how much he tries, how much wants to, he doesn't. He won't pretend to do so. Nick doesn't need those lies. At least not from Adam of all people.

It's then Adam realises exactly how co-dependent they've become. How much they've started relying on each other to keep themselves _sane_. It's not good. He's seen Michael's memories. Seen how he and Lucifer used to be, before the fall. And Zachariah had once told him about how the Winchester brothers were like that. John was like that. And now he's like that with Nick.

He's really become a fucking _Winchester_, who also was the vessel of the most fucked-in-the-head older brother in the universe, and still is unconsciously influence by him thanks to the big chunk of left-over grace.

Just great. Just. Motherfucking. Fine. As if he needed this whole _new_ level of fucked-up in his life.

o0o

Adam is still far too sober for this. He downs the bottle. Nick continues to murmur brokenly, even after Adam passes out.

Nick is attempting to move around on his own again. He's doing much better than the last time, which is good.

It would be even better if Adam wasn't laid up injured. However, even the former vessel of the Archangel Michael will sustain massive injuries after being thrown against and through various objects, and have sharp pointy things impale them. He's managed to use Michael's grace to heal most of the lethal injuries, but apparently he passed out due to blood loss before he could fully completely heal himself. He doesn't want to risk burning out any more of leftover Grace in him – how fucking much did the bastard leave anyway? – and burning himself out in the process.

He really hates poltergeists. _Hates them_. It's a race of supernatural that should be erased from the earth, and exterminated with extreme torturous methods. Adam hates a lot of things these days. Including his current dependency on Nick who has enough problems of his own, and really doesn't need taking care of him added to his list. Nick however doesn't seem to mind at all. He actually seems to like it, if the way he's babying Adam is any indication. Adam sort of likes it too, but he hates that he does.

Adam doesn't want to think too much on that. He just wants to sleep, and _not_ think; about anything.

o0o

When Adam wakes up from nightmares, those rare days he actually sleeps, Nick is always by his side. He cards his fingers through Adam's hair, while Adam stares emptily at the ceiling. They both don't speak. Adam doesn't feel that inclined to share his his horrible last moments with Nick, or the memories about how he found his mother, which plague his nightmares. He doesn't feel the need to tell Nick about Michael's memories, or about the cage. He doesn't want to rely on Nick any more than he already does.

Nick understands. Adam doesn't know how Nick does, but he understands. And right now for Adam, no matter how scary it – this, whatever the fuck they have – is, it's more than enough.

o0o

They've just finished a really bad run-in with demons. Bastards are like _parasites_. They don't fucking leave them alone, and love fucking with Nick's head. They love tempting him, and he gave in.

Nick's locked himself in the bathroom throwing up again. He's been in there for more than an hour. Adam gave up banging on the door, and screaming himself hoarse and instead opts for breaking the damn door down. He'll fix it later for the motel by hand if they want. Right now Nick is more important.

Nick's probably thrown up whatever he's ingested by then. Now he's more like likely trying to puke his own internal organs out. Adam winces at the smell, and pulls Nick away from the toiler, and close to him. Nick panics trying to get back, elbows Adam in the stomach hard, claws at him, crying out frantically. _No Adam, you don't understand. Please. It's still inside. I have to get it out. Have too. Adam please._ Adam just holds him tighter, rocks him, waiting for him to calm down. Nick continues to chant frantically, as the hallucinations set in, convulsing. There will be bruises on Adam later.

There are wood splinters in his hand, he can still taste sulphur in the back of his throat from his stay in Hell, Michael's grace in singing loudly and angrily in his ears, and Nick in is his arms hallucinating because of demon blood. Adam starts laughing, loud and morbid and insanely, till he's crying with laughter, because _this is his life_.

He's been ridden by the Archangel Michael, and he's currently living with Lucifer's vessel. They're on the run for their lives. He's becoming a chain smoker, a raging alcoholic and an insomniac; and Nick is a drunk demon blood junkie on the recovery who routinely tries to puke his innards out. They have a ass-load of issues that. Just. Keep. Piling. And fuck... _This is his life_.

It's his life.

Adam wants to cry. Instead, he buries his face into Nick's hair and holds him tighter waiting for him to calm down.

* * *

**A/N:** So still doing this pairing. Hope you guys like it.


End file.
